I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
