If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
