i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
i think my cat just said my name.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
