She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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