Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
