Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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