I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
