I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
