I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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