This house was built for laser tag.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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