somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I supernannyed him into submission
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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