cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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