just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
