I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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