my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
