he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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