you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
