my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
