I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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