i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
