Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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