did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
