there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
