The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
