Will you blow on my dice?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
