Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
