My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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