god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
