i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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