he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They have beer where we have blood.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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