I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize