Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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