i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
