I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My life is pants optional.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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