YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
