I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I believe in your delicious
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
