i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
