There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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