i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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