AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize