he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
