My liver just broke up with me...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
