If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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