tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
