She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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