its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
