Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
