If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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