The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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