Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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