Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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