so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
