Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
