I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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