somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
