I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
