youre lurking in front of me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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