if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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