I am midnight drunk by noon
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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