no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
