Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
