Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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