i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
