so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
