my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got inside last night via doggy door
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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