so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
