I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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