God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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