apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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