guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
