my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
